Beauty Standards Suck

Women are always told the ideal way to dress. To do their make-up. Style their hair. How much they should weigh. How tall they should be. What their eye color should be. How to fix every little thing about them so they can finally be beautiful.

There are many things that I do not like about the way that I look. Some of them bother me infinitely more than others. Some of them only bother me sometimes. But they are always there, in the back of my head, reminding me about where I am not enough (or too much, in some cases).

I have written about my weight before. That is still an ongoing battle. While I have actually lost the baby weight, I am not done. I am ecstatic that the scale is closer to what it was when I got married, but my body is not the same. My muscles are gone. My figure is not in shape. I am still working on this.

I miss my arms that actually had muscles. I miss my abs and tiny waist. I miss having nice legs.

I played soccer for 15 years of my life, so I have broken my nose a couple of times. It didn’t really cause me any self esteem issues until I became a high schooler. I tried to ignore it, but beauty plays a huge part in acting. Talent is great and all, but looks count. The song “Dance: Ten, Looks: Three” fromĀ A Chorus Line is accurate. I am believable as the quirky friend, but not a love interest.

I have debated several times over getting a nose job. By the time I got married, I was pretty over it. Did I like my nose? No. But oh well.

Well… I have been thinking about it again.

I just feel so down on myself about so much. Would something as minute and superficial as this really make me feel better? Sadly, yes. It would. I know this from years of loathing my own face because of this.

Would it make my wallet feel better? Lololol. No.

And since I need money to pay the rent but not acceptance over my image, all these thoughts are purely abstract.

I have incredibly sensitive skin. I am really pale and have had two skin cancer scares in my lifetime. I am pretty good about sunscreen ever since I was a teen and had scare #1, but have been trying to be better about my skin in general. I am incredibly fair skinned. I honestly do not mind being so pale. I do mind that I don’t get to look like porcelain, but rather a crumpled piece of tissue paper. Pale skin shows everything so much clearer. Lines. Blemishes. Wrinkles. I crave that miraculous skin care regimen that makes people flawless.

I actually have two moles that were looked at this past summer as “concerning”. They aren’t cancerous, so no big deal. Except that I hate them. I want them removed. Not medically necessary. Not fiscally responsible. But still digging into my brain like a thorn.

Augh. This isn’t it. There is so much. But I just can’t articulate it.

I just want to look in the mirror and not cringe.

I just would really like to feel “pretty” in my own skin.

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… I’m Relieved

The observation went well.

She actually scored me as Accomplished, so WHEW.

That was a huge weight off of my shoulders!

I just want to relax this weekend, since this has been looming over me for awhile now. I have a date with my pillows and blankets!

Admin Don’t Always Understand How Fine Arts Classrooms Work

You don’t ask the PE coaches why they aren’t stopping the basketball game to ask the students higher-learning questions.

So why should you expect me to stop the students IN THE MIDDLE OF READING TO ASK THE SAME THING?

Sorry. Super irritated. Apparently my principal is under the impression that my class is actually a Language Arts class. While my class definitely uses language arts, it is vastly different. Students need to read a play to become familiar with it so we can rehearse it and perform it.

Yet she scored my observation terribly, not keeping any of this in mind.

I objected and stated my case.

She is observing me again tomorrow.

Eye rolls for days.

I am so mad.

I AM A GOOD TEACHER AND SHE HAS NEVER BEEN IN A CLASSROOM THAT TEACHES MY SUBJECT. SO OBVIOUSLY SHE KNOWS HOW THIS CLASS IS SUPPOSED TO BE TAUGHT, DESPITE ME STATING TEKS THAT BACK ME UP.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Work Starts Up On Monday Again

Cue all teachers sobbing into their pillows.

 

I have actually been doing OK. Probably because it is break, lol, so we shall see how that changes next week.

I was supposed to actually work on some lesson planning and stuff this break, but nahhhhhhhh.

I really just let myself rest and relax and it has been really good for me.

We “Leveled Up” As Parents

Christmas came and went. Christmas really is completely different when you experience it through the eyes of your children.

Last year, our little girl was only a baby. She didn’t really understand what was going on. This year, with a toddler? So sweet.

We got our daughter a tricycle. My husband put it together in the garage and we put it next to the tree after she went to sleep on Christmas Eve.

Her face when we put her on it! I thought I would melt, she was so happy.

Of course, it has been pouring all yesterday and today, so we haven’t got to take her out on it since Christmas, but still…

It is adorable to watch her, but really reiterates how quickly she is growing up.

Just ignore me as a sob in the corner over my baby getting so big.

I Feel Stretched Too Thin

I know, I am being horribly neglectful to the blog. But apparently, according to my therapist, I am being horribly neglectful to myself. I just don’t have enough time for everything everybody expects me to do.

Typical to-do list, going directly from one thing to the next:

  • Wake up and feed the toddler
  • Teach a couple of classes via the satellite program I work for
  • Commute to work
  • Teach classes at school
  • Work on tech during my lunch and conference
  • Commute home
  • Make dinner
  • Feed toddler
  • Clean kitchen/play with toddler
  • Get her ready for bed

When I get up at 5 and she isn’t asleep until 8, I often don’t get 30 minutes to sit down and do nothing until 8:30.

And she wants to know why I don’t go out and do something for myself.

When? In that magical two hour break that only exists in my imagination? I didn’t realize I could transfer that to real time.

In the evening when the baby is asleep? Most places are closed then. Plus, I get up at 5 so I want to sleep. Or maybe take a quick shower if I am feeling fancy.

Trust me, I would love to just sit and do nothing. Take a bath. Zone out and watch a movie. Get a pedicure.

But this work schedule sucks. It is a vampire stealing everything.

Lethargy Has Hit Hard

The energy levels still aren’t back.

I am going t mention the lack of energy and motivation to my therapist today.

It’s not that I am not doing anything. I am still doing things.

I go to work. I clean the house. I cook. I play with my toddler.

I just don’t really want to do anything.

Maybe lethargy isn’t the right word. Maybe it is more like apathy? I just don’t care enough to do more.

Either way, I figure I will mention it tonight.

It’s a new thing for me. Normally in the past, when I have felt really down, I couldn’t find the energy to even do the bare minimum. This is why I feel like this is different? It’s new.