And now, a break from our regularly scheduled programming…
Instead of me talking about my job hunt, I am going to talk about something else that causes me a lot of anxiety.
Once upon a time, I was in really good shape. I played soccer, danced, ran. When my husband and I started dating, we would go on exercise dates. To the beach, to boxing classes, to the park to play football. I taught him how to play tennis.
I used to walk everywhere because I lived right by a beach, but when we moved in together that wasn’t an option anymore since we lived in a busy area and I am not a fan of getting run over. I slowly started putting on a little weight.
At my happiest (dealing with my relationship with my body), I was 135 pounds. Give or take 5 pounds and I was still content with my body. I have weighed less and been miserable, so 140 tends to be my ideal goal weight.
When we got engaged, I was about 150 pounds. I decided to lose some weight for the wedding. During our yearlong engagement, I worked hard on toning up and losing some of that weight. Looking at my wedding pictures, I am really proud of how I looked. I got down to about 143.
Once we were married, we began trying to start a family. We had to go through many infertility treatments and eventually two cycles of IVF to have our daughter. Infertility medications have a lot of weird side effects, including gaining weight and not being able to exercise regularly due to bloat or sore injection sites.
I gained a lot of weight before we even got pregnant due to this.
It was constantly nagging at me, since we had spent so much time and money and still were not pregnant and on top of everything else I had gained 20 pounds? As someone who was already pretty critical about their body I became incredibly sensitive on this topic.
Particularly when I found out I weighed a good 10 pounds more than my husband.
Thankfully, we did get pregnant. I was not worried about my weight during my pregnancy at all. I was so focused on doing whatever I needed to do to bring a healthy human being into this world. My weight was inconsequential.
I was 170 pounds when we went in to the hospital to have our baby.
She is now 13 months old.
I weigh 160 pounds.
How have I only lost 10 pounds?!?
I run on my elliptical or bike most nights – I average about 15-20 miles per week.
I eat pretty healthy meals. I stay consistent with my meals so I know about how much I am eating every day. According to my calorie tracker, I am eating less calories than I spend each day.
And I would love to say I still weigh this much because I have gained muscle. But that isn’t the case. In fact, I have lost major toning in my arms. Muscle gain is definitely not what happened. Fat gain is. My pre-pregnancy clothes do not fit. I can see where the weight is accumulated on my waist and hips.
I signed up to do one of those 30 day trials of a trainer’s exercise series that promise great results and show plenty of before and afters to help convince you. 15 minutes a day and this could be you!
I did the entire 30 day series. I made it a point to do the workouts to the best of my abilities every day even if I didn’t want to. Honestly, I do feel like they helped my arms a bit. And I definitely felt it while doing them. But the promised fat burning? My scale shows that to have been a bust.
I’m worried that this is the new me. I feel like if I haven’t been able to lose it yet, I have missed the window.
And this really upsets me.
I worry about my daughter. Will I be able to play with her? Sure, right now I can. But she can’t run or climb yet. I can still pick her up, but she only weighs 18 pounds. When she is 5 and wants to go play at the park, am I going to get winded? When she jumps up in my arms, will I be able to hold her?
Will she be embarrassed of me? “Mommy, why don’t you look the same as you do in these pictures?”
How can I help raise her to be comfortable in her skin if I am not able to model that myself? I am not worried about trying to be a twig. Weight loss will not change my bone structure and I know that. I am not looking for my scale to say 115.
But I am looking for a way to be able to look in a mirror and smile at my reflection instead of cringing and quickly getting away from the mirror.
I hate the idea that this is what I look like now. That this is what I feel like now.