Monday at 12:30.
That is my Go Time. The time to prove that they want me. The time to prove I am the perfect addition to their team.
The time to not do anything stupid or embarrassing.
I need this.
Especially because the past few days have been excruciatingly awful.
I have been like a Jenga tower lately. I do my best to remain functional, not get bothered by direct contact, but the weirdest thing, the smallest breath will completely knock me over.
I have been watching the new TV show “Rise” which is about a school theatre department. It is not an accurate portrayal of a school theatre department – shocking, I know, that TV chooses to dramatize things, even drama class. It is actually based off of a good book called Drama High. The book is the actual story of a theatre teacher who spent a long time building up trust and respect in his community and was able to do some groundbreaking work with his high school students. The TV show is “based on” the novel in the sense that a high school theatre department is doing a controversial show. The show is OK. There are many things that would never happen in the real world (like auditioning, rehearsing, and performing a show without first securing funding and rights; setting costumes and props on fire on school property to make a statement; small little picky technicalities).
So why do I watch it if it causes me to cringe? For the same reason that I watched and know the songs to all of the High School Musical movies. If this show gets even 1 student interested enough in trying out for theatre or taking the class, I should be aware of what they think they are walking into. Know your enemy, you know?
This week’s episode had a short (less than 60 seconds) scene that really hit me out of nowhere. One teacher is told what to do to get a job that she wants, a job that someone else currently has. (I don’t want to get into the fact that, honestly, she deserved the job in the first place, but whatever…)
No, it is not a direct comparison of what I am going through. But it did remind me of the fact that my school had made me feel like I needed to help find the person who was going to work with me, when really they just wanted me to scout and find my own replacement instead. They laid a trap and I fell for it.
It was the last scene of the show, so it ruined that episode for me.
One of the other schools in our district announced their theatre season for next year. One of the shows I had originally been looking at for next year is in their season. One half of me screams out in frustration “Hey! That’s our show!” Then the other half rolls their eyes and says “This isn’t your school anymore. Not your problem.”
Which is true.
But my problems feel like they are growing more and more insurmountable.
My daughter was supposed to take swimming and gymnastics classes this summer. Now we don’t know if we will be able to afford either. If she misses out on those, she might miss out on meeting kids who would have been her best friends for life. Or what if she was destined to be an Olympian and I just ruined her chances? Yes, I know she is a toddler, but they start early now!
We wanted to go on a vacation this summer. Nothing too fancy, just a 3-hour drive away. But that seems risky and stupid now, unless I secure another position.
I hate the uncertainty.
I had a really aggravating moment this morning that really caught me up. Someone in a mom group I am in was asking for advice about weaning off of Zoloft. She was not receptive to us explaining that a doctor has to oversee weaning off medications and that it can take a long time, months. She clearly wanted us to give her the answer she had already decided was right. She went on to talk about how her withdrawals from the medicine were making her even more anxious, was there any easy solution? We asked why she would want to be off the medication if it was clear to even her that she needed it?
She compared being “dependent” on anxiety medications to being addicted to cigarettes. Yes, withdrawals while quitting smoking sucked, but does that mean people should keep smoking?
I WAS SO PISSED.
A lot of people were actually.
Eventually, she realized that medications are not the same as recreational drug abuse, but it left such a sour taste in my mouth. Especially when she tried to end the whole conversation with some “Woe is me, I feel so bad that I inadvertently made you all upset and you guys didn’t understand what I was saying, now I am even more anxious, please pat my hair” kind of crap.
I… just… I mean… Really… How dare…