I made it through my conference. It was hard and it reaffirmed that I am officially the worst at making friends. But I will tackle that issue another day. Maybe tomorrow? Anyway, today I want to talk about my dad.
My dad and I have a weird relationship. We have a weird history to go with it.
- My parents divorced when I was about 8.
- They had a nasty divorce with a long, drawn out custody battle for my brothers and I.
- When I was about 9, I found my dad doing something that I do not want to go into, but just know that even as a 9-year-old I knew it was wrong.
- We ended up with a custody split about 60/40 mom/dad.
- As a teenager I still didn’t have complete trust in my father.
- I also was going through a rather rebellious phase as a teen.
- My father and I got into a lot of arguments about my choices. One finally became too much.
- He threw me out. I was 15.
- I did not return to stay with my father from then on. I stayed with my mother full time.
- My father and I did not speak again until I was about 21. I was moving out of state because I was transferring colleges. I had e-mailed him to let him know.
- We slowly tried to repair our relationship.
- Things were actually at an all-time high when I was in college. We communicated via phone and e-mail. I never saw him. But we were on good terms. I had grown up and so had he.
- I got engaged and asked him to walk me down the aisle.
- Moment of truth: I did not think he would say yes.
- He did and I am very glad he did.
- He walked me down the aisle and instead of a father/daughter dance, he played me a song on his guitar. It was the Iz rendition of “What a Wonderful World/Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. It was absolutely beautiful.
- I (after a several-years-long battle) became pregnant.
- While I was pregnant, we got into a heated conversation on the phone due to my father and my difference in religion.
- We did not speak for awhile.
- I called him after I gave birth to let him know he was a grandpa. His response? “Oh, yeah, your brothers told me.” I had called my mom and then him. My mom had informed my brothers. It wasn’t like I was calling him so much later. He quickly excused himself, without so much as a congratulations.
- This pattern continued for awhile. I would try to call to tell him about his granddaughter. He would avoid the subject at all costs. When I had spent years saying I never wanted children (karma is awful, right?), he would always say that time would tell/I’d be a good mom/he couldn’t wait to be a grandpa. Now he was and he didn’t care.
- It finally reached a breaking point when I texted him some pictures of my daughter. His response? “Got em”.
- I cut off all contact at that point. I was sick of making myself upset over him. He knew my number if he wanted to reach me.
- He called me one day, almost a year after my daughter was born. He wished me happy birthday. I let him know that it was my brothers’ birthday. We chatted about very superficial, topical things for about 10 minutes.
- I have heard from him once more since. Another random 5 minute phone call.
- He has never inquired about his granddaughter. He has made no show of interest in meeting her.
So I am having to relearn about Father’s Day. I need to wipe my slate clean of all the negative connotations the day has so I can celebrate it with my husband. He is an amazing father to our daughter. He deserves it.
And naturally I was not actually home on Father’s Day this year due to the conference. I clearly need to get better at this.
But I am trying.
We celebrated on Thursday. I made breakfast. We went out for lunch. I got specially made matching shirts/onesies for them.
I do want to keep improving, though. I need to let go of my issues with that day and make it about my daughter and her daddy.