Things Have Taken a (Mental) Turn for the Worse

I am in a terrible place lately. My suicidal thoughts have increased dramatically. I have started hurting myself again. I am getting help. But I feel like saying it isn’t enough. Putting it here, in writing, is like a contract to myself. I am doing something about it, but I wanted to post about it as well. Especially since everybody on social media is posting that copy-and-paste “I am a safe space” thing for mental health awareness. Saying that is all well and fine, and may work for some people. But I know that for myself, personally, I would never take somebody up on that. I wouldn’t want to bother them with something as menial as me. I would feel like I was imposing, despite them posting that. I felt guilty even mentioning to my husband, the man that I have lived with for 5 years, that I wasn’t well. Thankfully, he knows me enough to know that I must have been really serious to say anything. Normally I just bury it and say “it’s fine” which everyone knows is not.

Yes, it is great to offer up a blanket support statement of “anybody can reach out to me.”

But some people who are suffering are not able to do that.

Since I feel worthless, why would I waste your time when there are other people you could be helping?

Just tossing this out there for other people to think about.

It’s like with dogs. Some dogs will walk right up to you to let you pet them and play with them. Others need you to approach them first, with care and caution, before they will play.

An “open door” policy doesn’t seem like that to some people. It actually presents itself as even more of a challenge. Which results in people not actually reaching out despite needing to. Sometimes you have to reach out specifically.

“But I meant my message. Anybody can come to me.”

No. Some people cannot. Not because of you. Because of them.


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