Lethargy Has Hit Hard

The energy levels still aren’t back.

I am going t mention the lack of energy and motivation to my therapist today.

It’s not that I am not doing anything. I am still doing things.

I go to work. I clean the house. I cook. I play with my toddler.

I just don’t really want to do anything.

Maybe lethargy isn’t the right word. Maybe it is more like apathy? I just don’t care enough to do more.

Either way, I figure I will mention it tonight.

It’s a new thing for me. Normally in the past, when I have felt really down, I couldn’t find the energy to even do the bare minimum. This is why I feel like this is different? It’s new.

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I Don’t Have Energy

Several days of lethargy. I just don’t want to do anything besides lay down and read. I don’t have a cold or anything. I just don’t have motivation.

I am really, really tired.

I don’t really have much to say besides that.

I used to write so much more, but I just feel drained.

I used to do so much more.

I don’t have any other symptoms. I just want to rest.

Hopefully I will get that soon. I thought I would over break, but hosting family is pretty stressful. The rest that I got at the start of the week was all spent on that.

I feel like a car that is almost always running on empty. When the light starts blinking letting me know I am about to stop, I put in $5 just to keep going.

On the plus, at least I am able to do that! The car hasn’t given up!

Break is Over Tomorrow

Do you remember when you were a kid and your holiday break was ending and you realized that it meant going back to school? And it was so sad?

Well, teachers still feel that.

It was a good break.

Not especially productive, but good.

I read four books (but none of the plays I had meant to read). I got super into a whole bunch of different web comic series and binged them like crazy (but forgot to run some basic errands). My cold finally went away (but I forgot to lesson plan). I mailed out my grad school application (but ended up having to beg someone else to write a letter of recommendation last minute since somebody ghosted me). I cleaned up all of the Thanksgiving decor (but haven’t taken out the Christmas stuff yet). I played with my toddler a bunch (but forgot to go to the Renaissance festival which we had purchased tickets for).

Oh!

And I really like my new therapist.

That is definitely good.

But tomorrow looms and who knows what that will bring?

I Mailed My Application Today

Yup. My grad school application is officially in the mail and out of my control.

So I just wait.

 

Which I (obviously) am wonderful at.

Oh boy.

Confrontation is the Worst

Even digital.

I sent out an e-mail to each of the people who agreed to write me a letter of recommendation over a month ago. I let them know that I appreciated that they had said they would write me a letter. I let them know that I was hoping to get my application out into the mail by this Friday, but I could not send the application without the letter.

My entire application is complete except for the letters.

There is nothing for me to do except wait.

But the grad program has already started accepting applicants.

I NEED to get my application in.

I am going to be so upset if the spots all fill up and I wasn’t even able to apply because of something entirely out of my hands.

I tried to be as polite as possible.

But it was still terrifying.

I really hope I get those letters 😦

Thanksgiving Break is Serving as My Sick Day

Teachers are given very few sick days each year. We work with children (who bring every disease EVER into our classrooms year-round) and these days count for when we are sick/have jury/go on vacation/etc. If you use all of your days and then you need to take another day for any reason, it gets deducted from your pay. There is a nice feature where some of your days are eligible to be “rolled over” into the next school year if you do not use them (even if you change districts, they follow you); these are the days appointed by the state, the other days are appointed by the the local district and do not roll over. This was very convenient when I had my baby, because I had saved up those days since I started teaching (we were trying to have a baby for quite awhile) and was able to get paid for three and a half weeks of my maternity leave.

Teachers will therefore try to save their “state” days to roll-over in case you ever want to go on vacation/have another baby/whatever. Since “local” days do not roll over and expire at year’s end, teachers use all the local days first.

Last year I used all of my sick days because I had a newborn. She had pediatrician appointments. She would get a fever and I would have to go get her from daycare. She was sick with an ear infection. Teething would cause her so much discomfort.

My husband and I are both trying to save up sick days as best as we can for this same reason this year. We rarely take sick days for ourselves unless we have to.  Something like the flu. Bronchitis.

I have already used two this year: one for a mental day after a really bad depressive episode that has led me to change therapists; the other the day I took my GRE.

I am still immensely sick, though. I am trying so hard to not have to take another sick day since break is only 8 school days away. DON’T WASTE A DAY NOW. The baby hasn’t needed me to take any days yet, but goodness knows that the moment I use up all of my days will be the time when she gets really sick and then I will get docked pay to stay home with her. Isn’t that a proven fact? You use all of something thinking that you have enough and then find out you totally did not have enough?

Yes, I know people may think “But it is only one day you would take. How can that be that big of a deal in the end?”

Because the school year calendar is in no way actually two equal semesters. The fall semester is 16 weeks of in-class days. The spring semester is either 20 or 21. We are in week 11. Mathematically, I am not even a third of the way through the actual school days. Winter is not in full force here. My toddler is in daycare. The percentage of her getting sick over the next three months is statistically high (and would match up all of her colds and bugs from last year, which she kindly gave us as well).

Plus, it is only eight more days of teaching. EIGHT.

Surely I can make it, right?

I am a woman. I am used to being sick and not getting to take a break. To still having to do things at work, for the kids, around the house, function. Insert stereotypical “man-cold” comparison joke here and you get the point.

But, man. Please get here, break.

Someone Gave Me Advice I am Trying to Take

“Give yourself some grace.
Give yourself some time.
Give yourself some rest.
Give yourself a break.”