I Need Spring Break

Two days. I can make it!

Some pros and cons from recently:

Pro: NO CANCER! Yay! Still have stitches in my face, but they are coming out Saturday morning.

Con: It does not look like I got into grad school. Someone I know who applied to the same program posted her acceptance e-mail last night. radio silence on my end, so the magic eight ball in my head says “all signs point to no”.

Pro: I am not distraught? I’m bummed, but surprisingly nonchalant.

Anyways, not sure how much longer I am going to keep doing this. It is not as stress-relieving as it was last year.

I want to sleep.

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… I’m Relieved

The observation went well.

She actually scored me as Accomplished, so WHEW.

That was a huge weight off of my shoulders!

I just want to relax this weekend, since this has been looming over me for awhile now. I have a date with my pillows and blankets!

Admin Don’t Always Understand How Fine Arts Classrooms Work

You don’t ask the PE coaches why they aren’t stopping the basketball game to ask the students higher-learning questions.

So why should you expect me to stop the students IN THE MIDDLE OF READING TO ASK THE SAME THING?

Sorry. Super irritated. Apparently my principal is under the impression that my class is actually a Language Arts class. While my class definitely uses language arts, it is vastly different. Students need to read a play to become familiar with it so we can rehearse it and perform it.

Yet she scored my observation terribly, not keeping any of this in mind.

I objected and stated my case.

She is observing me again tomorrow.

Eye rolls for days.

I am so mad.

I AM A GOOD TEACHER AND SHE HAS NEVER BEEN IN A CLASSROOM THAT TEACHES MY SUBJECT. SO OBVIOUSLY SHE KNOWS HOW THIS CLASS IS SUPPOSED TO BE TAUGHT, DESPITE ME STATING TEKS THAT BACK ME UP.

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I Feel Stretched Too Thin

I know, I am being horribly neglectful to the blog. But apparently, according to my therapist, I am being horribly neglectful to myself. I just don’t have enough time for everything everybody expects me to do.

Typical to-do list, going directly from one thing to the next:

  • Wake up and feed the toddler
  • Teach a couple of classes via the satellite program I work for
  • Commute to work
  • Teach classes at school
  • Work on tech during my lunch and conference
  • Commute home
  • Make dinner
  • Feed toddler
  • Clean kitchen/play with toddler
  • Get her ready for bed

When I get up at 5 and she isn’t asleep until 8, I often don’t get 30 minutes to sit down and do nothing until 8:30.

And she wants to know why I don’t go out and do something for myself.

When? In that magical two hour break that only exists in my imagination? I didn’t realize I could transfer that to real time.

In the evening when the baby is asleep? Most places are closed then. Plus, I get up at 5 so I want to sleep. Or maybe take a quick shower if I am feeling fancy.

Trust me, I would love to just sit and do nothing. Take a bath. Zone out and watch a movie. Get a pedicure.

But this work schedule sucks. It is a vampire stealing everything.

Break is Over Tomorrow

Do you remember when you were a kid and your holiday break was ending and you realized that it meant going back to school? And it was so sad?

Well, teachers still feel that.

It was a good break.

Not especially productive, but good.

I read four books (but none of the plays I had meant to read). I got super into a whole bunch of different web comic series and binged them like crazy (but forgot to run some basic errands). My cold finally went away (but I forgot to lesson plan). I mailed out my grad school application (but ended up having to beg someone else to write a letter of recommendation last minute since somebody ghosted me). I cleaned up all of the Thanksgiving decor (but haven’t taken out the Christmas stuff yet). I played with my toddler a bunch (but forgot to go to the Renaissance festival which we had purchased tickets for).

Oh!

And I really like my new therapist.

That is definitely good.

But tomorrow looms and who knows what that will bring?

I Don’t Know Where to Start

As mentioned in my last post, I have been having a terrible time lately.

My work is really triggering me in so many ways. It is clear that I need to get out of that toxic environment.

But I have no clue where to look.

I have been checking other district sites on the off chance that they need a teacher with my certification, but I am not putting much stock into that:

  • It is still so early into the school year. The only people who would have left by now, quit… and why would they quit if the school was great?
  • Jumping into a new district without the inservice days that let me at least learn a few people’s names would just increase my feelings of isolation.
  • I am not sure I want to stay in education.

Ever since the Santa Fe shooting, I have been growing more and more aware of this dark cloud in me saying “Get out. Now.”

Maybe this is my chance?

But I don’t know how to look elsewhere. My degree, certifications, and work experience limit my choices. A few friends suggested non-profits and inter-corporate training positions. I have no clue how to get into those fields. Would I have the skills needed?

The biggest question, though, is would I be able to afford starting all over.

When we had been looking at houses, we looked at our financials seriously to see what we could feasibly afford. While this didn’t end in a house, it did end with me knowing a very accurate amount that I need to earn per month for us to still be OK.

(Side note: I felt bad when friends would suggest I just quit and focus on my mental health and finding a job while away from my current toxic workplace, because despite me feeling that it is what would truly be best for me, it is completely impossible.)

Jumping into an entirely new industry where I have no experience would put me at entry-level, low paying positions. Not that teachers make a ton (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) or anything like that, but if I had to take a second job doing remote tutoring with the pay cut I took for this job, can you imagine what would happen with the pay cut that would come with me being entry level in a new field?

I don’t want that to be the reason I am trapped, but it looks like it might be.

It was suggested that I contact a recruiter. I am going to look into that. They would be able to tell me if I am wasting my time by searching for this magical position.

We Lost Another House

They countered our offer. We accepted. Last minute cancel.

Meanwhile, our landlord finally came with someone to look at the falling apart wall. Told us “not to touch it, because it is unstable.”

Uh. Duh. Anybody looking at the wall can see that. It is LITERALLY cracking and crumbling from the inside out.

It actually struck me that it is a pretty good metaphor for my life currently.

  • Giving the facade of being useful/doing my job
  • Weakened from the inside
  • Cracking at the seams
  • Falling apart

I actually took a picture of it the other morning, because the pure irony made me laugh. I am going to make a meme for myself.

Definitely not feeling this new job. The school board changed the school’s hours in August and I am seeing less of my family than when I supposedly had a more demanding job. Getting out of this house and into a new one was something I was pinning everything on. It would make it worth it.

Welp. That has clearly backfired.

More cracks in my foundation as everything just seems to wear down on me heavier than normal.

Without anything to really look forward to, I am not sure how much my facade can keep up before I do actually just fall apart.